I'm sitting in bed wondering what the heck is going on with my life. I'm debating everything I thought was true. My very foundation is crumbling and I don't know how to stop it. It's like I'm letting it happen because everything I thought to be true is being tested and I don't know what is truly the answer anymore.

This semester has literally rocked my world. It's challenged my faith like I've never had done before. What IS right? Who am I to tell what is right TO ME?

I'm going out with a very VERY cool girl! But I just found out last week that she doesn't have God in her heart. She believes in a higher being but doesn't feel the need for religion in her life right now. So basically I think that if she got creamed by a car she'd go to hell...or would she? Do you need to literally ask God in your heart to be saved? Isn't that basically expressing your belief in Him in the first place? So just believing would be enough right?

I've gotten drunk twice this month. I don't regret doing it! I get so tired of fitting into this mold that I just want to do what I want to do. Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong to be a rebel for once? Isn't that part of the college experience?

I want the lifelong friendships, brother-like friendships, co-existance with people my age! But I can't have that and I want it so bad. My best friend is livin' it up. Girls he really doesn't want, booze he can't resist, drunk every other night.....and get this...he's my only option of someone to move out with next year. How amazingly awesome is that?!?! *sarcasm* So what am I supposed to do?

I have the some of the most quality friends a guy could ask for. They are just on another level than me. Sam is graduating and moving, Pat and Ryan are interested in everything I'm not....list goes on....

I just want to live in a way that I don't have to worry all the time. Is that ok? Is that something someone that knows me would frown on? Can I do that? Is that ok since i'm a Christian? I'M SO SICK OF THAT CRAP!!!! I'm in a friggin mf'in box! Why should I have to go through that?

I'm tired of being the good kid that never gets asked to go anywhere....gets looked at different and basically labeled a loser....

I went out to eat at chili's with my fam....lots of people were at the bar drinking and eating and having a good time. THEY ARE RELAXING AND HAVING FUN!!! Why is it I can't do that? Why do I have to base EVERY THING on what someone else would think of me? Screw this! I'm so tired of being on a stage infront of all these ppl watching me and when I mess up I feel like I'll get flogged or something. Why can't I JUST LIVE!!!